Don't know what's wrong with me, just can't stop crying tonight.
Should be in bed, work tomorrow.
There's a part of me that doesn't care, then there's the other part that wants to be perfect. Of course no one's perfect, I know that. But I feel like such a failure. Maybe it's because people are always telling me that I'm destined for something big. Maybe I think I am destined for more. That 'more' is so undefined, so vague that maybe I keep moving it. Should I be happy with what I have? Definitely. I try to be grateful, seems like I fail at that too though. It's so tiring trying to be positive. It's funny, you think positive so you can be happier, but it actually drains a lot of your energy. Why is it that only when you're miserable do you ponder on the meaning of life. Why am I here? I never ask that question when I'm laughing, unless it's laughter from too much crying that you don't know what else to do.
Ok so let's get down to the hard stuff. Why am I crying? See there's a tricky question right there because I have no clue. Well, not exactly, I have a number of possible reasons. I could be crying because I'm stressed. Very likely considering the love of my life is sick and I can't do much about it. I'm also sick of my job and I'm tired from trying to do everything at once. I'm trying to be the perfect fiance, the perfect daughter, the perfect worker... I can't do it all and it's depressing. Everyone tells me I am strong, smart, whatever. Maybe it's what they want me to be because I don't feel it, or maybe I just don't see it.
I could take the cop out answer and say it's all my Mum's fault, due to her comments or for that matter just by being her, she has invariably made me feel inadequate in everything I do. But that would be unfair because she does support me, and she does everything with the intention of challenging me, to make me stronger. So she says.
Perhaps there's a darker side... the entity that I thought I'd banished. Maybe it has returned, or never left at all. Lurking in the shadows, manifesting. I left that past when I found true happiness. But true happiness is in your mind, and how can you control a mind that's corrupted.
The hardest possibility for me to admit is that I'm crying because I'm not getting any attention. I've always despised attention-seekers, they're annoying and egotistical. But I can't claim to feel neglected, there's no rational basis in arguing that I don't get what i want (no one gets everything they want), so I must be seeking attention.
What do I want?
I want to know what I want.
Why?
Because maybe it will give me a sense of direction, a sense of belonging that I never experienced. Something to look forward to. Something to say when someone asks you what you want.
Empathy is a curse. What do you do when someone you love asks you what you want, and you can't give them an honest answer because you have no idea yourself but you don't want to admit it? You know full well that it will hurt them, because you can empathise with them, you know that if it was you asking that question, you ask it to better understand your partner, to serve them what they want on a silver platter. You know this because you know they love you, and you them. So what will I be served? A plate of everything? A plate of nothing...
I type this for the world, not knowing (or caring) who reads it. Why is it hard for me to SAY it to someone I know? The mind boggles. And gets corrupted again. I need to update the software. (Sorry, had to throw that one in)
Sometimes.......... I just cry.
